a harlem stabbing and shoes designed to make a short man shorter

i've always walked the streets of harlem with my eyes wide open. you never know, and it's better to be safe than sorry. well, i'm sad to say that i let my guard down the other night. i mean, yes, i was at a mostly all-Mormon gathering. and, to my knowledge, not even a drop of alcohol had been consumed. but, i've learned that it is in these moments when you feel most secure that you've got to be on highest alert. here's what happened...

after arriving at the Bybee home i began suffering from a nasty headache brought on by something akin to heat-stroke...too much soccer in the hot sun earlier in the day i'm sure. took a nap on mehrsa and jared's bed. woke up. went downstairs to see who was around celebrating jared's 30th and to find some food. after a while, the hosts cleared the kitchen table to make way for all the desserts including a watermelon. a very large and sharp knife was used to open the fruit. after some time i sauntered over to the table to claim a slice. another gentleman had the same idea. when he reached to grab his slice he bumped the knife which then fell off the table...right at my feet. i was wearing shorts and chacos and so i looked down thinking, "dang, that was kinda dangerous." i was shocked when i saw a stream of blood pouring out of a wound just above my ankle. my first thought was, "did that hit my artery?" no, no spurting. probably missed it by a few centimeters. still, the blade had hit me on the diagonal and i had a nice 1+ inch wound. calling on all my boy scout first aid knowledge, i grabbed a paper towel (bounty...only the best for this operation) and applied as much pressure as seemed reasonable...okay i nearly squeezed my remaining foot off. a fancy lawyer, jared knows other highpowered nyc lawyers...some of these of the female persuasion were standing around whispering about potential personal injury lawsuits. i thought of requesting some artificial respiration...do you need that for minor blood loss? again, better safe than sorry. but they were kinda grossed out. and i wasn't feeling my most attractive crouched there on the kitchen floor...being attended to by my nurse/attacker...sweat gathering on my forehead.

the shoes are earth shoes. they employ "negative heel techology". guaranteed to straighten out the spine a little and improve your self esteem or something like that.